Run-On Sentences

August 14, 2007 in add-to, excerpts, funny, Run-On Sentences, scriptures, unfinished

Run-On Sentences
(or Memoirs of a Geisha)

excerpts –

from ‘A Letter to Alan (my roommate)’

“…I would like to apologize for telling you that Renee was having sex with Darin Moore in the next room, even though you said you didn’t even want to know, you really didn’t care at all, just please, please shut-up. I am sorry that I told you anyway. … If it helps at all, I really thought that it was funny. Especially since they conceived.”

“…I was jealous that I wasn’t there the night that you burst your neck cyst and showed Morgan, and made him gag and stick his head in the freezer, so for about a month after you guys told me about it, I secretly prayed that you’d get another one, so I could be there and we could all join in the fun. … I also listed the prayer request in my church bulletin under “Private Prayers”, so about 150 other people also unwittingly prayed for it too. Imaging my surprise when you got not one, but two more! I’d like to thank you for taking part in strengthening my faith. …”

“…I would also like to formally apologize for letting Mandy Schultz sleep on your futon when you were with your family in Branson and she came over with all of her friends and they all got really drunk. When you came back the next day, I told you that we let her sleep there because she was too drunk to drive, but the truth is I just wanted to be able to say that a girl spent the night at my apartment and not technically be lying. She also may have blown her nose on your down comforter. You know how she had that sinus thing…”

from ‘Don’t Come and Sit on my Sofa Without Pants On’

“…Don’t give me the “It’s really hot in here, though” excuse. Yes, if it’s really hot in here, you definitely shouldn’t take off your pants and sit on the sofa. On Thanksgiving, when you cook a turkey, can you smell the turkey when it is frozen? No. You smell the turkey when it is heated. Point. “

“…Even if you had the best excuse in the world. The impossible string of all the right words that would make me say, “Oh, well I never thought of it that way. Go on ahead do whatever you gotta do. In fact, why don’t you take your pants off and make some cookies, I’m going to go take off my pants and get my VHS of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, and we’ll both eat cookies and watch it together on the sofa”. Even if you knew exactly what to say that would make me respond like that. It would not make any difference. I would not be able to hear you. You could scream at the top of your lungs, until you’re blue in the face, and all I’ll ever be able to think about is that the only thing between my sofa and your butt is a thin piece of moderately absorbent blue cotton. I need at least two layers of quality, seamless material for me to be comfortable with the fact that that part of your body is even in the room…”

from ‘Uncle Danny’

“…A shrill voice rose above the cacophony like a robots head would, if it had a telescoping neck. “I seek,” Archduke Ozioko began, “I seek the famous Enugu statuary of legend.” His eyes burned like kittens soaked in turpentine

Never mind that last bit.

-j